So I’ve woken up late again and I’ve made my way down to the recruitment office and I walk inside the office and I tell the woman that I’m sorry I’m late. She looks at me with a right cold stare and she just goes,
What time was your appointment?”
“11.00.”
Well it’s now 12.00.”
I know this already so I just lie like I usually do when I’m trying to justify waking up late or procrastinating too long about my hair or looking for my keys or my ipod or whatever.
“Yeah there was quite a lot of traffic around Kings Cross. The bus-“
“Ok just take a seat and someone will be with you.”
She turns to look at her computer and I know now that I’ve been dismissed as it were. I do sit down but I do it sheepishly, I’m sweating profusely as I’m sure you can imagine because as we all know, being late is a stressful business.
I sit waiting for what seems like many many minutes. I try to pass the time by glancing through various pamphlets which have been placed on the table that reaches up to my knees. In between thinking about the bullshit contents of the pamphlets I look up frequently, stealing glances at the reception woman and hoping that she’s attending to my appointment right now. She has really big teeth and her glasses don’t suit her but yeah, I’d probably fuck her.
Next thing I know some woman comes out and calls my name. She smiles at me so I go over. I walk quick.
“Hello there how are you?”
“Oh I’m fine thanks, sorry I’m so late.”
“Dooon’t worry it’s fiiiiiiine.” She’s one of them. Drawing out her vowels as a pleasantry aid. I know already that she will put strong emphasis on plosive sounds and will also go up at the end of a sentence whenever she wants me to really take something iiiiin.
I make a mental note to turn the charm factor up to ten or eleven or whatever it is. High.
“Take a seeeeat love.” I don’t like being called love. Women shouldn’t call men love. “Sooooo what kind of work are you looking for then?”
I want to say this: “I DON'T FUCKING KNOW. SOMETHING THAT I LIKE THAT WILL PAY ME WELL. HOW ABOUT THAT EH? SOMETHING EEEEEASY.”
Of course I don’t though. “Office work mainly. Bar, retail.”
“OKAY.” She says the “K” proper heavy and I’m still thinking about the impressively foreboding sound it makes (as a standalone kind of noise) when she starts rambling on about all of these absolutely shit jobs that I’ll probably put myself forward for because I’m desperate and I’m bored and I’ve realised that my degree actually means fuck all.
She gets down to logistics now.
“So have you got your national insurance number and card?”
“Yes.”
“Passport?”
“Yup.”
“Full CV with education and work history?”
“Er...”
“Proof of name change if applicable?”
“I haven’t changed my -“
“P45 if applicable.”
“No.”
“Bank Details?”
“Yes!”
“Proof of address?”
“Yessssss.” I find myself drawing out the “S” like a frigging cobra or a goose on the attack.
“Passport photo?”
“Oh. No, see I didn’t realise-”
“Name, address and telephone number of two referees?”
I rack my brains trying to think of two friends who I trust enough to lie for me convincingly. I try to think of old employers who I didn’t disappoint in some way or university tutors who might remember who I am. There is no one.
“Yes got those.”
“Goooood. CRB disclosure or cheque for £36.00 made payable to us.”
“No.” Definitely definitely no.
“Ok unfortunately you haven’t brought all of the required documentaTION” (the emphasis on the “tion” there was niiiice). “So unfortunately we won’t be able to process your registration today. I’m soooooo sorry about that luuurve.”
“No problem it’s my fault.” Jesus, I didn’t think it was this complicated.
"Ok if you pop through to reception again and speak to Sarah before you leave then she’ll make the necessary araaaaaaangements for your new apPOINTment. Okaaaay.”
She offers me her hand to shake and I take it. My eyes wander up and up, beginning at the wrist, rolling right the way up her arms and going up and up and across to those perky little tits of hers. Her hand pulls away slightly snappishly and I realise that I‘ve probably been staring for too long but to be honest I really don’t give a shit.
She walks off to her desk without a word and sits there typing away without even looking up at me once. I kind of hope that she would look or something but she doesn’t and I don’t want to stand there lingering for too long because I’d only end up looking like a total dick.
I go back to the desk lady with the paving slab teeth. The one who I’d shag just for the shag.
“Hello again.” I say in what I think is a slightly over friendly way. She leaves me hanging. She holds up a finger as if to say “just one second.” It looks like she’s putting her finger to the lips of an invisible dwarf sat on her desk, trying to sexily make him be quiet.
I stand there waiting whilst she types with one hand and holds the other aloft, the single raised index finger keeping me in my place. She’s probably on MSN or Facebook or some shit. After about a full minute of me standing like an absolute chump she looks up at me and places her hands on the desk criss-crossing her fingers ceremoniously.
“Ok.”
“Can I book another appointment please?”
“For when?”
“Tomorrow?” I really don’t want to come here again tomorrow but I’ve gone and said it now so-
“Time?”
“12.00?”
“I’m sorry but the only available appointment is at 9.15. Would that suit you?”
I’m thinking no, no it wouldn’t. And also why did you ask me what time I wanted if there was only one fucking appointment available?
“Yes that would be fine.”
“Excellent. See you tomorrow then love.”
Love?
I walk outside of the office into the overcast outdoors and I’m really glad to be out of there. I delve into my bag and get my bottle of water and have a long grateful swig because I need it and I really hate those places. Seriously though, how else are you meant to find a job these days?
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